Snooki sets new publishing standard for crap

We were going to share a review of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's new "fiction" debut, A Shore Thing, but then we found someone who could sum it up even better than we could.

A special Book Report thanks to Roberta, at Allieiswired.com for writing what might possibly be the best book review ever:

"What I can tell you, with one hundred percent complete honesty, is that I feel dumber after having read this steaming pile of horse crap. Seriously — it’s so bad that horse crap should be offended by the comparison... It just goes to show you that anyone can get published, so writers — if you’re out there — IT CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU. If Snooki can get published, you can, too."

And now a word from our Moral Superiors:

Years ago, Michael Bolton belted out a version of Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." More recently, the Coen Brothers took a swing at remaking the John Wayne classic, True Grit.

Now, in the same spirit of tinkering with things that didn't really need improvement to begin with, Alan Gribben, a professor of English at Auburn University, at Montgomery, Alambama, has released an updated version of Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn that replaces references to the character "Nigger Jim" with "Slave Jim."

Gribben said that by substituting the alternative reference, readers might be spared feelings of discomfiture resulting from repeated exposure to an offensive "racial slur that never seems to lose its vitriol."

Rumor has it Gribben will next be turning his keen eye and ear for all things politically correct toward rap stars like Trey Songz, by providing similar substitutions in their song lyrics, such as his current hit, "Bottoms Up":

Lyrics as written:

Cheers to the girls, throw a deuce to the guys
Now I got a chicken and a goose in the ride
Gettin' loose in the ride
Hatin' ass nigga move to the move to the move to the side

Lyrics, as they might appear with that special "Gribben" touch:

A toast to good health for young people of the female persuasion and a fond farewell to those who are men.
Now I only have attractive women in my automobile,
and if you're an African American man who is jealous of that, please move out of the way.


The crew of the starship Enterprise had this reaction to the announcement:

WikiLeaks Founder Forced into Ruthless Publishing Scam

SOMEONE GET THIS POOR MAN SOME KY JELLY - At left, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been corralled into penning his memoirs, much to his own dismay.

According to the NY Times, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has bent over and taken it up the ass from Random House and Canongate in a horrific publishing nightmare that any aspiring author can surely sympathize with.

Against his better judment, Assange has "reluctantly" agreed to write an autobiography for the publishing giants to "help pay his legal bills."

Editor's Note: The following contains graphic language and violence. Viewer discretion is advised. Those with heart conditions or who may be pregnant should discontinue reading at this point.

Assange expressed that subjecting himself to the torturous task of writing his memoirs was a terribly difficult decision for him to make. The $800,000 U.S. advance Random House provided to publish his autobiography may as well have been 800,000 strikes with the medieval cat-o-nine-tails, while the $500,000 advance Canongate footed to publish it in Britain may as well have been electrified needles inserted slowly, one at a time, into the head of his penis.

“I don’t want to write this book, but I have to,” Assange is quoted as saying while currently out on bail pending Swedish charges of a type of sexual assault termed "overraskingssex" (as roughly translated; must be like Gollum from Lord of the Rings propositioning too much from a harried hooker). Assange insisted he also doesn't want the "money from international markets and serialization of the book [that] would bump up the total to at least $1.5 million" but will apparently take one for the team, in this instance, "to keep WikiLeaks afloat."

Anxiety can be very debilitating, both seriously and adversely affecting an individual's quality of life. According to the Mayo Clinic's website, complications of untreated anxiety may include loss of sleep, depression, substance abuse, digestive or bowel problems, headaches and incidents of teeth grinding.

The Book Report, along with countless other authors who must surely understand and share in Assange's pain, hope that he will seek the treatment he needs to cope with this overwhelming burden. And a good lubricant.

Happy Holidays from The Book Report

Because there's nothing too exciting to report in the world of publishing so far this week, we thought we'd share this instead:

New This Week: It Sucks to Be Japan

It's not been Japan's week.

According to the Wall Street Journal:

"Pirated versions of Japanese literary works showing up on Apple Inc.’s iBookstore have raised the ire of the Japanese publishing industry. A consortium representing the publishers issued a stern rebuke this week, taking Apple to task over what it sees as weakness in policing the App screening process for content that infringes copyright."

According to PCmag.com, the publishers involved in the protest are the Japan Book Publishers Association, the Japan Magazine Publishers Association, the Electronic Book Publishers Association of Japan, and the Digital Comic Association.

Apple, whose policy is similar to Google/YouTube's, in that it will remove disputed material only after copyright infringement complaint has been made, has not responded to the Japanese publishers' concerns, or their demands to sit down and "set new rules in the era of digital networks."

Nicole Kidman had this reaction to the kerfluffle:













(Editor's note: okay, not really, we just thought it was a funny picture.)


In additional "Sucks to be Japan" news, according to Reuters:

"Japan's comics and animation industry intends to fight a ban on the sale to minors of comics and film depicting 'extreme sexual acts' including rape, incest and child sex imposed by authorities in the capital, Tokyo."

Ten major Japanese publishers have agreed to boycott the government-sponsored 2011 Tokyo International Anime Fair in March, 2011, in response to the ban.

And, just to really end things on a shitty note:

Last night, a giant creature climbed out of Tokyo Bay and attacked the city. Mayhem, death and destruction ensued, as well as a lengthy series of film, television and comic book sequels, (although presumably not with rape, incest or child sex involved, if made available for sale to minors).

Op Ed: Reader Rebuttal

Headlines and Quick Quips - A Weekly Rundown

It's The End of The World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine):

Proving once again that its finger is on the pulse (or lack thereof) of the publishing industry, the Winnipeg Free Press reported this week, in an op-ed piece by columnist Nicholas Hirst that "the book is dead, or will soon be."

"Why buy a book to read on an airplane when you can use the WiFi in an airport lounge to download the same book at half the weight?" Hirst asks, as he predicts the eventual overthrow of paperback and hardbound books by digital versions and high-tech ereading devices. "Why buy any weighty tome when you can have a library with you wherever you go?"

In related news, a small chicken has been seen running through the center of downtown Winnipeg, screaming "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

Pictured: According to Winnipeg Free Press columnist, ebooks will soon take over the free world. Tax hikes on the middle class expected.


Despite Oprah's OK, Sales Still Suck Dickens

Not even being named Oprah's latest Book Club Selection could boost sales of Penguin's reissue compilation of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations. USA Today hypothesizes that low-cost and free downloadable versions could be adversely affecting sales, despite Oprah's endorsement (see related story, above, about how ebooks are sending us all to hell in an ereading hand basket), or that too many folks have already read these titles in school.

However, according to an informal survey conducted by The Book Report, 92% said they wouldn't buy the compilation because they just think Charles Dickens is boring.

OH, THE HUMANITY! - (pictured above) Dickens and Winfrey claim another victim.

Now For Something Completely Different:

This week, Amazon removed select Kindle titles that it deemed to contain questionable sexual content, primarily of incestuous nature from both its online store, and from the libraries of customers who'd purchased them. Readers who bought Rowan Somerville's The Shape of Her are begging for similar intervention (see related story, here).


Last But Not Least...

According to the New York Times, Apple announced this week that it would be taking advantage of the growing popularity of color ereader technology, such as that found in the iPad and Nook Color, by "introducing more than 100 titles to its iBookstore, an assortment of [illustrated] children’s books, photography books and cookbooks."

With such classics as the “Olivia” picture books, “And Tango Makes Three” by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell, “Tippy-Tippy-Tippy, Hide!” by Candace Fleming, and “When Dinosaurs Came With Everything” by Elise Broach and David Small being introduced to the digital market, publishers like Simon & Schuster's Jon Anderson feel "it finally gives us the opportunity to have our picture books join the e-book revolution.”

The announcement may come as bad news for those parents whose toddlers already know more about their iPads than they do, such as this mum in Australia, Lisa Leigh, and her three-year-old daughter, Sienna.

"'She was just playing with [the iPad, and] later when she had gone to bed and I was checking my email, I saw that I had paid for a whole bunch of apps that I didn't remember buying," Leigh is quoted as saying. According to the article, "[Leigh] also looked back over old emails and saw it wasn't the first time Sienna had gone shopping online. 'I checked over the list and one of them was $17 - I didn't think you could buy an app that was that expensive!'"

Let's hope Sienna doesn't like Olivia.